## Chapter 1 — A Temporary Physiological Shutdown The Watson safehouse was enjoying a perfectly ordinary afternoon. This was already suspicious. No alarms. No missing persons. No corporate emergencies. No shoggoths attempting to squeeze through holes in reality. Just coffee, food, friends and the distant sound of Brenda telling a kitchen appliance precisely what she thought of its engineering. Ace was stretched across the sofa with her feet in Mai's lap. Shammy occupied the other end, occasionally running her fingers through Ace's hair. Yukari lay on the rug in her magnificent nine-tailed fox form, basking in a patch of sunlight. Iris was preparing more coffee. Kiro and Reyes were arguing affectionately about which of them had won their last shooting-range challenge. Everything was peaceful. Then the doorbell rang. Ace raised her head. "That'll be trouble." Mai smiled. "You invited them." "Exactly." --- Iris checked the entrance monitor. Five familiar faces occupied the lower doorway. Badger stood in front. He appeared to be arguing with Heavenly Father about something. Grouse was examining the street. Jello was looking at his communications equipment. Skulker was studying the door. Iris activated the intercom. "Good afternoon, gentlemen." Badger looked up. "WE HAVE ARRIVED!" Heavenly Father sighed. "We know." "I WAS ANNOUNCING IT." "You announced it to the entire street." "Excellent." Iris laughed. "I'll let you in." She released the lower entrance and went to admit them through the safehouse's upper door. --- Badger entered carrying two large bags. One contained coffee. The other contained pastries. Yukari's ears immediately stood upright. Badger noticed. "FOX!" Yukari lifted her head. "Badger!" He placed the pastry bag on the table. "FOR YOU!" The kitsune rose with magnificent dignity. Nine tails swished. "My dear, you are a treasure." Heavenly Father looked toward Shammy. "This is becoming a problem." Shammy smiled. "Only becoming?" --- The afternoon settled into the comfortable disorder that inevitably followed Theta-24's arrival. Skulker inspected the sofa. "Still intact." Ace grinned. "Disappointed?" "Always." Grouse accepted coffee and positioned himself where he could see the main room and entrance corridor without appearing to make a point of it. Jello examined the kitchen terminal. "Why is that displaying an error?" Brenda appeared in the doorway. "Because it's a piece of shit." Jello nodded. "Understood." Heavenly Father sat beside Iris. Badger opened the pastries. Yukari joined him. Shammy followed. And within minutes, a substantial percentage of the food had disappeared. Ace watched. "That's impressive." Mai smiled. "Which part?" "The coordination." --- The conversation wandered. Old missions. New equipment. The state of Night City's roads. The extraordinary incompetence of certain corporate security departments. And, eventually, the subject of competitions. It began when Reyes mentioned the shooting range. Kiro smiled. "I won." "You won the second round." "Which was the final round." "Because you insisted on changing the scoring." "Because the original scoring was stupid." Badger looked delighted. "NOW THIS IS A CONVERSATION." Heavenly Father closed his eyes. "Oh, no." --- Badger leaned forward. "Speaking of competitions." Grouse stopped drinking his coffee. Just for a moment. Ace noticed. "Interesting." Badger grinned. "There was this drinking contest." Grouse looked at him. "No." "Oh, yes." "No." "Absolutely yes." Heavenly Father set down his mug. "Badger." "What?" "Don't." Badger pointed toward Grouse. "HE LOST." Grouse regarded him calmly. "Incorrect." Badger stared. "You passed out." "Temporary shutdown." Silence. Ace slowly sat up. "What?" --- Grouse took another sip of coffee. "Physiological interruption." Badger looked at him. "YOU WERE UNCONSCIOUS." "Briefly." "WE HAD TO CARRY YOU." "Unnecessary assistance." Skulker leaned against the wall. "You were making interesting noises." Grouse looked toward him. "Unverified." Jello spoke without looking up. "Recorded." Grouse turned. "Delete it." "Already did." Badger looked offended. "WHY?" "Because nobody needs a seven-minute recording of you explaining that gravity was cheating." Shammy began laughing. --- Ace was fascinated. "Wait. You actually claimed gravity was cheating?" Grouse looked at her. "Environmental disadvantage." Mai covered her mouth. Reyes leaned against Kiro, laughing. Yukari, who had abandoned the pastries only because the conversation had become more interesting, tilted her head. "How extraordinary." Badger nodded enthusiastically. "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING!" Grouse remained composed. "Outcome disputed." Heavenly Father regarded him. "You lost consciousness." "Noted." "That generally ends a drinking contest." "Arbitrary rule." --- Ace laughed so hard that Mai had to rescue her coffee mug. Then she looked at Grouse. "Well, I suppose drinking isn't your strongest competitive discipline." Grouse raised an eyebrow. "Possibly." Ace smiled. "Maybe you should try something simpler." "Such as?" "Eating." The room became quiet. Very quiet. Mai slowly turned toward Ace. "Ace." "What?" "Think about what you're saying." Ace grinned. "I am." Grouse studied her. "Are you issuing a challenge?" Ace leaned back. "Would you accept one?" --- Badger stopped breathing. Not literally. But close enough that Heavenly Father glanced at him. Grouse set down his coffee. "Depends." "On what?" Ace asked. "The terms." Ace considered. "Straight eating contest. Equal food. Whoever eats more wins." Grouse watched her. No expression. No unnecessary movement. Then: "Confirmed?" Ace met his eyes. "Confirmed." --- For approximately three seconds, nothing happened. Then Badger exploded. "OH, FUCK YES!" Heavenly Father stood. "No." Badger turned. "YES." "No." "THIS IS HAPPENING." "Absolutely not." "YOU CAN'T STOP HISTORY." "I can certainly try." --- Mai stared at Ace. "Darling." Ace smiled. "Yes?" "Do you have any idea what you've just done?" "Made an interesting proposal?" "You have challenged Grouse to an eating contest." "Correct." "And he accepted." "Correct." Mai closed her eyes. Then began laughing. "Oh, God." --- Shammy leaned forward. "Ace, sweetheart." "Yes?" "Are you sure?" "Of course." Shammy looked toward Grouse. "And you?" "Confirmed." She sighed. Then smiled. "Well, at least you're both equally ridiculous." --- Yukari rose from the rug. Her nine tails swayed. "An eating contest?" Ace nodded. "Yes." "How delightful." Badger pointed toward her. "SEE? THE FOX UNDERSTANDS!" Yukari smiled. "Naturally." Then she looked at Ace. "May I participate?" "No." Grouse answered simultaneously. "No." Yukari blinked. The room fell silent again. Then she looked from one contestant to the other. "How terribly rude." Ace smiled sweetly. "Darling, we're trying to establish a fair competition." "And I would make it unfair?" Grouse considered. "Potentially." Yukari's golden eyes narrowed. Then she smiled. A slow, devastatingly amused smile. "How interesting." Shammy started laughing again. --- Badger was already pacing. "We need a venue." Heavenly Father sat down heavily. "We need an intervention." "A public venue!" "No." "With witnesses!" "No." "AND FOOD!" "That is generally how restaurants work." Skulker looked toward Ace. "What kind of food?" Ace considered. "Something straightforward." Grouse nodded. "Pizza." Badger stopped. Turned. Looked at Grouse. Then Ace. Then the others. His expression became almost reverent. "Papa John's." --- Mai stared. "You're serious." Badger grinned. "Deadly." Heavenly Father looked toward the ceiling. "I hate all of you." Jello spoke quietly. "Not yet." Everyone turned. He continued. "Wait until he tries to name the competition." Badger looked delighted. "THE FIRST ANNUAL..." "No," Jello interrupted. "BUT..." "No." "YOU HAVEN'T EVEN..." "Absolutely not." --- Ace leaned toward Grouse. "Papa John's?" He considered. Then nodded. "Acceptable." "Tomorrow?" "Confirmed." They shook hands. A perfectly ordinary handshake. A perfectly extraordinary mistake. --- Badger raised both arms. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" Heavenly Father covered his face. "Here we go." "THE GREATEST CULINARY CONFRONTATION IN NIGHT CITY HISTORY IS UPON US!" Ace began laughing. Mai leaned against Shammy. Reyes shook her head. Kiro grinned. Skulker studied the doorway. Grouse drank his coffee. Jello quietly disabled Badger's access to the shared event calendar. And Yukari, still in fox form, watched the entire spectacle with a thoughtful expression. Then she turned toward Shammy. "My dear." "Yes?" "Should we attend?" Shammy smiled. "Of course." Yukari's tails shifted. "Excellent." She glanced toward Badger. Then toward the remaining pastries. "I suspect this may become a very enjoyable afternoon." --- ## Chapter 2 — Rules of Engagement The trouble with competitive people was that they tended to take competition seriously. The trouble with Ace Watanabe and Grouse was that neither considered this a problem. By nine the following morning, the Watson safehouse had become the headquarters of an operation that nobody had authorized and almost everyone intended to attend. Mai stood at the kitchen table. In front of her was a document. At the top, in perfectly ordinary lettering, it read: **ACE–GROUSE PIZZA CHALLENGE: AGREED RULES** Badger stared at it. "That's the title?" "Yes," Mai replied. "That's fucking terrible." "It's descriptive." "IT HAS NO DRAMA." "It isn't supposed to." Badger looked toward Ace. "Help me." Ace was drinking coffee. "No." "TRAITOR." --- Grouse sat opposite Mai. He had read the document twice. "Define victory." Mai looked pleased. "That's the first point." She activated the display. "Both competitors receive equivalent food. The winner is whoever voluntarily consumes the greater amount before either contestant concedes." Grouse nodded. "Acceptable." Ace leaned back. "Agreed." "No time limit," Mai continued. "No speed requirement. No interference with the other's food." "Obviously," Grouse replied. "No supernatural assistance." Ace looked toward Shammy. Shammy smiled. "Don't look at me, darling." "No cybernetic manipulation of appetite or digestion," Mai added. Kiro raised a hand. "Can I object to the fact that anyone thinks I'd bother?" Reyes glanced at her. "You did rewrite the scoring system at the shooting range." "That was mathematics." "That was cheating." "That was correcting mathematics." --- Badger leaned forward. "What about psychological warfare?" Mai looked at him. "Define." "Intimidation." "No." "Distraction?" "No." "Strategic commentary?" Heavenly Father looked up. "That's the only reason you're here." Badger smiled. "Exactly." Mai considered. "Spectators may comment. They may not physically interfere with the competitors or deliberately obstruct the contest." Badger nodded. "Good." Jello, sitting beside the kitchen counter, looked at him. "You're already planning something." "Of course." "Don't." "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS." "Experience suggests I don't need to." --- Skulker examined the venue information. "Papa John's." Ace nodded. "Yes." "Good choice." "Thank you." "Easy exits." Ace looked at him. "That's your criterion?" "Always." Grouse glanced toward the floor plan. "Main entrance, rear service door, emergency access." Mai stared at them. "We're going to eat pizza." Skulker nodded. "Correct." "Not assault the building." "Hopefully." Shammy started laughing. --- Iris arrived with another pot of coffee. "Have we established what happens if they eat the same amount?" Mai nodded. "Then neither has won. They may continue if both wish, or agree on a draw." Badger looked offended. "A draw?" "Yes." "THAT'S NOT HOW WARS WORK." Heavenly Father took a sip of coffee. "That's how lunch works." --- Yukari had been listening from the sofa. In fox form. Nine magnificent tails spread across the cushions. She raised her head. "I have a question." Mai smiled. "Go ahead." "If the objective is to determine who can consume the most food, why am I excluded?" Silence. Ace slowly turned. "Sweetheart." Yukari's ears tilted. "Yes?" "Because we're trying to have a competition." "And?" "And you would probably eat the entire restaurant." Yukari considered. "An intriguing possibility." Grouse looked at her. "Unfair advantage." The fox regarded him. "On what grounds?" He considered. "Unverified capacity." Yukari smiled. "Then perhaps you ought to verify it." Ace pointed at her. "No." Yukari's tails moved with unmistakable amusement. "Very well." --- Shammy leaned down and scratched behind Yukari's ears. "Don't tease them too much." "My dear, I'm being perfectly reasonable." "Of course." "I only wished to participate." "And now?" Yukari considered. "I shall observe." Shammy smiled. "Excellent." The kitsune rested her chin on the cushion. "Closely." --- The conversation might have ended there. Unfortunately, Badger had discovered the section marked **WAGER**. He read it. Then looked at Mai. "Blank?" "Yes." "Why?" "Because nobody has agreed on the stakes." Badger smiled. A slow, terrible smile. Heavenly Father noticed immediately. "No." Badger turned. "I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING." "Your face said enough." --- Ace leaned forward. "Well, we do need a wager." Grouse nodded. "Agreed." Badger looked delighted. "I have an idea." Jello quietly put down his coffee. "Oh, this should be appalling." Badger ignored him. "Loser handles a documentation backlog." Grouse considered. "Define." "Old unit reports." "Quantity?" "To be agreed." "Condition?" "Handwritten." Grouse looked thoughtful. "Manageable." Heavenly Father stared at Badger. Then very slowly turned toward Grouse. "Oh, you poor bastard." --- Mai narrowed her eyes. "Whose handwriting?" Badger smiled. "Mine, among others." The room became quiet. Skulker looked up. "That's cruel." Badger appeared delighted. "THANK YOU." Jello leaned back. "No hazardous documents. No compromised records. No unauthorized access." "Obviously," Badger replied. "Nothing containing anomaly reproduction instructions." "Fine." "And no invented active Foundation headquarters receiving the reports." Badger sighed. "You're ruining the entire spirit of this." "I'm preserving what remains of civilization." --- Mai entered the terms. The loser would transcribe a mutually agreed collection of older, non-hazardous Theta-24 reports into the unit's retained archive. The reports would be cleared for the task. The workload would be finite. And nobody would be forced to violate security procedures merely because Badger considered administrative suffering entertaining. Grouse read the paragraph. "Acceptable." Ace nodded. "Agreed." Badger smiled. Neither competitor noticed. Heavenly Father looked at the ceiling. "Wonderful." --- Reyes approached Ace. "Sweetheart." Ace looked up. "Yes?" "Have you actually considered what losing would mean?" "Of course." "You'd have to decipher Badger's handwriting." Ace considered. Then smiled. "I've survived worse." Reyes looked toward Badger. He was drawing something on a napkin. The result resembled a wounded spider attempting to escape a chemical spill. Reyes slowly turned back. "Have you?" Ace examined the napkin. Her smile faltered. Just slightly. Then returned. "Now I'm definitely winning." --- The preparations concluded shortly before noon. Mai verified the venue's availability. Kiro arranged the orders. Iris decided to join them. Brenda declared that she would attend only because she wanted to witness the inevitable catastrophe. Heavenly Father asked everyone to remember that restaurant employees were ordinary people who did not deserve to become collateral damage in a dispute between professional idiots. Badger agreed. Then immediately suggested custom shirts. Jello refused. --- By early afternoon, Papa John's had received an unusually large reservation. The manager examined the booking. Then examined the message attached to it. **Private group. Friendly eating challenge. Standard restaurant service.** That sounded harmless. Until the group arrived. --- Ace entered first. All 145 centimeters of her. Compact. Confident. Black hair carrying its faint violet sheen. Violet eyes surveying the restaurant with the satisfaction of a woman who had finally found an appropriate battlefield. Mai followed. Silver hair neatly arranged. An expression suggesting that she had already calculated sixteen possible ways the afternoon could become ridiculous. Shammy entered behind her. At 195 centimeters, she had to lower her head slightly beneath one decorative fixture. The restaurant manager stared. Then looked toward Yukari. The kitsune had chosen her ordinary human form, dark hair framing a thoroughly delighted expression. "How lovely," she said. --- Reyes and Kiro followed. Then Iris and Brenda. And finally Theta-24. Badger entered announcing something at considerable volume. Heavenly Father immediately told him to lower it. Grouse examined the room. Skulker glanced at the emergency exits. Jello checked that Badger was not recording an unauthorized introduction. The manager watched them. Then looked toward Mai. "Is everything all right?" Mai smiled politely. "Perfectly." A pause. "We're here for pizza." --- The manager considered the assembled group. Several visibly dangerous professionals. Two women with an unmistakably unusual presence. One very small woman who looked entirely too confident. And a man who had already begun arguing about the historical significance of lunch. "Of course," the manager replied. Then, with admirable professionalism: "How many pizzas would you like?" --- Badger opened his mouth. Heavenly Father pointed at him. "Don't." Mai stepped forward. "We'll begin with the agreed initial order, and the group will purchase additional food as needed." The manager nodded. "Very good." Ace took her seat. Grouse sat opposite. Their eyes met across the table. Neither smiled. Neither looked away. Badger leaned toward Skulker. "This is going to be beautiful." Skulker looked at the competitors. Then at the kitchen. "Probably expensive." --- Mai placed the rules display between them. "One final confirmation." Ace nodded. Grouse nodded. "Equal food," Mai said. "No artificial enhancements. No time limit. Either competitor may concede at any point." "Confirmed," Grouse replied. "Confirmed," Ace echoed. Mai smiled. "Then we're ready." --- Yukari settled beside Shammy. She examined the menu. Then looked toward the kitchen. "My dear." Shammy smiled. "Yes?" "Do you think their desserts are any good?" Shammy glanced at the menu. "I haven't tried them." "How unfortunate." "Perhaps we should." Yukari smiled. "Perhaps." Across the room, Badger was attempting to persuade Jello that a live commentary channel was essential to the historical record. Jello threatened to confiscate his communications device. Neither noticed the two women quietly examining the dessert menu. Not yet. --- The first pizzas emerged from the kitchen. Extra-large. Fresh. Steaming. The smell of melted cheese and baked crust filled the restaurant. Ace looked at the food. Then at Grouse. "Ready?" Grouse nodded. "Confirmed." Badger drew a deep breath. Heavenly Father closed his eyes. Mai checked the tally. Reyes smiled. Kiro leaned forward. Skulker watched the table. Jello checked the recording restrictions one final time. And Yukari whispered to Shammy: "I do believe this is going to be delightful." --- ## Chapter 3 — The First Slice The first pizza arrived at 13:07. Grouse looked at it. Ace looked at it. Neither spoke. Badger leaned forward. "Oh, this is beautiful." Heavenly Father took him by the shoulder and gently moved him away from the competitors. "Give them room." "I'm giving them atmosphere." "You're giving them a headache." "Atmosphere." "Headache." Skulker examined the pizza. "Pepperoni." Ace nodded. "Correct." Grouse studied the distribution of toppings. "Acceptable." Mai stared at him. "Did you just assess the tactical suitability of pepperoni?" "No." A pause. "Only the distribution." --- The restaurant manager had provided two identical extra-large pizzas. Same size. Same toppings. Same preparation. They sat on separate trays in front of the competitors. Mai had insisted on this. She was now examining the order receipt with the expression of someone auditing a particularly suspicious acquisition. Kiro leaned over her shoulder. "Everything match?" "Yes." "Good." "Although the estimated portion weights aren't perfectly identical." Kiro looked at the pizzas. "Mai." "What?" "It's pizza." "That doesn't make measurement irrelevant." Reyes grinned. "She's enjoying this." Mai looked up. "Immensely." --- Yukari had chosen a seat beside Shammy. In her ordinary human form, she watched the preparations with open delight. "How charming." Shammy smiled. "Which part?" "The seriousness." "You approve?" "Entirely. They're treating lunch as a matter of honor." Shammy looked across the table. Ace was adjusting her chair. Grouse was positioning his napkin. Badger was bouncing on the balls of his feet. Heavenly Father appeared to be contemplating the merits of walking into traffic. Shammy laughed. "That's one way to describe it." --- Mai raised her hand. "Competitors ready?" "Ready," Ace replied. "Confirmed," Grouse said. "Then begin." Ace picked up the first slice. Grouse did the same. And they ate. No dramatic music. No shouted declarations. No desperate rush. Just two people eating pizza. Badger waited. And waited. Then looked toward Heavenly Father. "Well?" "Well what?" "They're eating." "Yes." "THAT'S IT?" Heavenly Father looked at him. "What did you expect? Fireworks?" Badger considered. "Would've been nice." --- The second slices disappeared. Then the third. Ace ate with the calm efficiency of someone who had found a very pleasant use for her afternoon. Grouse matched her almost exactly. Neither seemed interested in the audience. This became increasingly irritating to Badger. "YOU TWO ARE ALLOWED TO LOOK COMPETITIVE!" Ace glanced at him. Chewed. Swallowed. "No." Grouse nodded. "Agreed." Badger stared. "I hate both of you." Jello didn't look up from his drink. "That's the most accurate statement you've made today." --- The fourth slices vanished. Mai checked her tally. "Equal intake." Kiro nodded. "Equal pace, approximately." Reyes examined Ace. "She's comfortable." "Obviously," Mai replied. "No, I mean _very_ comfortable." Mai looked toward Ace. Her beloved was leaning back slightly between slices, looking thoroughly pleased with herself. "Yes," Mai said. "I see." Shammy smiled. "She's having fun." Yukari nodded. "Good. It would be such a shame to waste all this lovely food on a contest nobody enjoyed." --- At the end of the first pizza, Ace wiped her fingers. Grouse did the same. Mai looked between them. "Ready for the next?" "Yes," Ace replied. "Confirmed," Grouse answered. Badger threw both arms into the air. "ROUND TWO!" Heavenly Father closed his eyes. "Please stop announcing rounds." "WHY?" "Because the other customers are staring." Badger looked around. Several people were indeed watching. He smiled. "EXCELLENT." --- The second pizzas arrived. The manager approached the table with cautious professionalism. "Everything satisfactory?" Mai smiled. "Perfectly." "Would you like anything else?" Badger inhaled. Heavenly Father pointed at him. "Don't." The manager looked between them. Ace smiled. "Just the next pizzas when we're ready, thank you." "Of course." The manager departed. Badger watched him go. Then turned toward Heavenly Father. "You are suppressing the arts." "Only one particularly noisy art." --- The fifth slices disappeared. Then the sixth. Grouse remained almost motionless except when reaching for another piece. Ace looked equally composed. Skulker studied them for a while. Then leaned toward Reyes. "Interesting." She looked up. "What?" "Neither is competing against the other person's speed." Reyes nodded. "They're setting their own pace." "Exactly." "That bothers you?" "No." Skulker considered. "It bothers Badger." Across the table, Badger had begun pacing. "WHY ARE THEY SO FUCKING CALM?" Reyes started laughing. --- Jello checked the room. No unauthorized broadcasts. No public streaming. No strange recordings being forwarded into the broader network. He looked satisfied. Then Badger approached. "Jello." "No." "I haven't asked anything." "Your face is a request." "I want to document this." "Mai is documenting it." "OFFICIALLY." "No." "FOR HISTORY." "History will survive without your commentary." Badger looked wounded. "You have no soul." Jello nodded. "Probably a containment precaution." --- Shammy was enjoying a slice of pizza. Yukari had chosen a different topping combination from the competitors. Neither was participating in the contest. They were simply having lunch. This distinction seemed important to Yukari. "My dear Shammy." "Yes?" "Do you think either of them appreciates the flavor anymore?" Shammy considered. "Ace certainly does." "And Grouse?" "Harder to tell." Yukari studied him. Grouse took another slice. Ate. Said nothing. Then drank a little water. Yukari smiled. "He is remarkably disciplined." Shammy nodded. "Yes." "How lovely." --- At the end of the second pizza, Ace looked toward Grouse. "Still good?" He nodded. "Confirmed." "Enjoying yourself?" "Acceptable." Ace grinned. "That's practically enthusiasm." Grouse considered. "Perhaps." They returned to eating. Badger stared at them. Then looked toward Mai. "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?" Mai checked her tally. "Yes." "HOW?" "Because I'm watching it happen." Badger made a strangled sound. Heavenly Father smiled into his coffee. --- The restaurant had gradually become interested. Not everyone. A group of customers near the windows remained occupied with their own meal. Two people at the counter were discussing a delivery order. But a few had noticed the unusually composed eating contest. A young employee glanced toward the table. Then toward the manager. "Are they really going to eat another one?" The manager considered. "Apparently." "Should we do something?" "They're paying customers." "Right." "And they seem perfectly happy." The employee looked toward Badger, who was now arguing with Skulker over whether pizza consumption qualified as an endurance discipline. "Most of them." --- The next pizzas arrived. Mai verified the order. Grouse studied his plate. Ace smiled. Badger leaned forward. "NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE." Heavenly Father looked at the food. Then at the competitors. "Remember the rules. Either of you can stop whenever you like." Ace nodded. "Of course." Grouse replied: "Confirmed." Badger sighed. "YOU'RE BOTH IMPOSSIBLE." Skulker nodded. "That's why we're here." --- The first slices of the next pizzas disappeared. Ace seemed to become more relaxed. Grouse remained steady. Mai recorded the totals. Kiro checked the order. Reyes watched Ace with growing amusement. Iris and Brenda had settled into a comfortable conversation about the restaurant's astonishingly durable chairs. Heavenly Father was beginning to enjoy himself despite his best efforts. Jello was drinking coffee. And Badger was losing his mind. --- Then Grouse made a mistake. A very small mistake. He paused. Not because he was full. Not because he was tired. He simply looked toward the next slice before picking it up. Ace noticed. Said nothing. Mai noticed. Made a note. Badger noticed Mai making a note. He froze. Then slowly turned toward Grouse. "OH." Heavenly Father looked up. "What?" Badger pointed. "OH, I SEE." Grouse raised his eyes. "Noise." Badger sat down. Immediately. --- Ace smiled faintly. Then took another slice. Grouse matched her. The pause meant nothing yet. But something had changed. The contest was no longer merely two people enjoying an absurd amount of pizza. For the first time, one of them had looked at the next slice before reaching for it. And the other had noticed. --- Yukari leaned toward Shammy. "How fascinating." Shammy smiled. "What?" "The moment they realized the game was real." Shammy looked toward Ace. Then Grouse. Then Badger, who was now sitting with both hands clamped over his mouth to prevent himself from shouting. She began laughing. "Oh, darling." Yukari smiled. "Yes?" "I think we're going to be here for a while." The kitsune glanced toward the dessert menu. Then back at Shammy. "How fortunate." --- ## Chapter 4 — The Stakes Were a Mistake By 13:46, the restaurant manager had developed a theory. The small woman and the quiet man were participating in an eating contest. The silver-haired woman was keeping score. The enormous silver-white-haired woman was enjoying herself. The dark-haired Japanese woman beside her appeared to be studying the dessert menu with the concentration of a professional food critic. And the loud man was, apparently, a public nuisance. The manager considered all this. Then returned to the kitchen. He was being paid to serve pizza. Whatever these people were doing with it was their business. --- Ace selected another slice. Across the table, Grouse did the same. Neither had raised their voice. Neither had hurried. Neither had displayed anything approaching theatrical competitiveness. They simply continued eating with a composure that Badger found increasingly intolerable. "YOU TWO ARE RUINING THIS." Ace looked at him. "How?" "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING." "We are." "WITH PIZZA?" "Correct." "THEN LOOK LIKE IT!" Grouse swallowed. "Noise." Badger sat down. Heavenly Father smiled. "You're becoming remarkably obedient." "Shut up." --- Mai examined the tally. "Still equal." Kiro leaned closer. "Exactly equal?" "Within the agreed portion variance." Reyes looked at her. "You're enjoying that sentence far too much." Mai smiled. "Possibly." Shammy glanced toward Ace. "She's still comfortable." Reyes nodded. "Yes." "And Grouse?" Grouse reached for his next slice. Paused briefly. Then took it. Shammy considered. "Perhaps a little less." --- Grouse was aware of the pause. He was also aware that Ace had noticed. That was irritating. Not because she was ahead. She wasn't. Not because she was visibly enjoying herself. She was. But because he had begun evaluating his own remaining capacity. Ace, apparently, had not. He studied the next slice. Then took it. Across the table, Ace smiled. "Everything all right?" "Confirmed." "Good." She continued eating. Grouse decided that her cheerfulness was unnecessary. --- Badger had reached a decision. He stood. Heavenly Father immediately looked up. "No." "I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING." "That's usually the best part." Badger ignored him. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" Jello closed his eyes. "Here it comes." Badger spread his arms. "IT IS TIME TO DISCUSS THE STAKES." --- Grouse stopped chewing. Ace looked up. Mai frowned. "Badger, we already agreed on the wager." "YES." "Then what are you announcing?" "THE MAGNITUDE OF THE CONSEQUENCES." Heavenly Father sighed. "Please use a quieter magnitude." Badger placed a small stack of papers on the table. Grouse looked at them. Then at Badger. "What is that?" Badger smiled. "An example." --- Mai reached for the top page. She examined it. Turned it sideways. Then back. Her expression changed. "Oh." Ace looked toward her. "That kind of oh?" Mai nodded slowly. "Yes." Kiro leaned closer. "What?" Mai handed her the page. Kiro studied it. Then frowned. "Is that handwriting?" Badger grinned. "OF COURSE." Kiro looked again. "Are you certain?" --- Jello approached. He examined the document. A long silence followed. Then: "I've seen corrupted signal captures with better structure." Skulker leaned over his shoulder. "That's one of the good ones." Jello turned. "The good ones?" "Yeah." "Dear God." Heavenly Father quietly began laughing. --- Grouse extended his hand. "Let me see." Badger handed him the page. The restaurant became very quiet. Not literally. The kitchen continued working. Customers continued eating. A delivery driver argued with a terminal near the counter. But at their table, everyone watched Grouse. He studied the page. Then studied it again. His expression remained unchanged. Almost. Ace noticed the slight narrowing of his eyes. Mai noticed the way he adjusted the paper. Skulker noticed that he hadn't reached for his next slice. Badger noticed everything. And began to grin. --- Grouse looked up. "That is not writing." Badger appeared delighted. "YES, IT IS." "No." "IT'S MY HANDWRITING." "Unverified." Heavenly Father began laughing harder. Badger pointed at the page. "THAT IS A PERFECTLY LEGIBLE OPERATIONAL REPORT." Grouse examined the first line. Then the second. Then returned to the first. "What's this word?" Badger leaned forward. "Extraction." Grouse stared. "That says extraction?" "YES." "It has eleven letters." "CORRECT." "You've written seventeen." Badger considered. "ADDITIONAL DETAIL." --- Ace lost control. She bent forward, laughing so hard that Reyes caught her shoulder. Mai covered her mouth. Kiro was staring at the page in horrified fascination. Jello looked genuinely offended on behalf of written language. And Skulker, who had apparently seen these documents before, took another drink. "Gets worse." Grouse looked toward him. "How?" "Some of them are written in the back of moving vehicles." A pause. "During operations." Another pause. "While Badger's wearing gloves." Grouse closed his eyes. --- Heavenly Father leaned forward. "To be clear, the wager covers only the cleared, non-hazardous archive backlog. Nothing operationally sensitive beyond your access, nothing that could reproduce an anomaly." Grouse nodded. "Understood." "The handwriting remains the principal hazard." Jello added: "And potentially a linguistic one." Badger looked offended. "YOU'RE ALL EXAGGERATING." Skulker shook his head. "No." --- Mai inspected the remaining pages. "The number of reports is fixed?" Heavenly Father nodded. "Yes." "And the archive system?" "Retained Foundation-derived system. Fully under our own control." "Good." Grouse looked toward Mai. "Can the handwriting be processed automatically?" Jello laughed. Not a pleasant laugh. "No." "Why?" "Because we've tried." Grouse waited. Jello looked him directly in the eyes. "The recognition system requested clarification." "Reasonable." "From Badger." Grouse slowly turned toward the man in question. Badger smiled. "WHAT?" Jello continued. "He couldn't read it either." --- For the first time since the contest began, Grouse looked genuinely concerned. Ace noticed. Unfortunately for Grouse, she also began laughing again. "Oh, sweetheart." He looked at her. "Don't." "I'm sorry." "No, you're not." "Not even slightly." --- Badger picked up the sample report. "LOOK, IT'S SIMPLE." He pointed at the first paragraph. "THIS SAYS WE ENTERED THE FACILITY AT..." He stopped. Looked closer. Turned the page. Then frowned. "Hang on." The entire table watched him. Badger examined the date. Then the next line. Then looked toward Heavenly Father. "WHAT MONTH WAS THAT OPERATION?" Heavenly Father collapsed against his chair, laughing. Skulker looked at Grouse. "See?" Grouse said nothing. He simply returned to his pizza. --- Ace watched him take another slice. Then another. His pace had changed. Not dramatically. Just enough. Mai glanced at the tally. "Interesting." Kiro leaned toward her. "What?" "His rate increased." Reyes laughed softly. "Motivation." Shammy nodded. "Fear." Yukari smiled. "An extraordinarily powerful seasoning." --- Badger was enjoying the situation beyond reasonable description. "THAT'S IT, GROUSE!" Heavenly Father pointed at him. "Volume." "YOU CAN DO IT!" "Badger." "DEFEAT THE PIZZA!" "Badger." "SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE HANDWRITING!" Jello leaned toward Skulker. "Could you remove him?" Skulker considered. "Physically?" "Preferably." Badger sat down. Again. --- Ace finished another slice. She wiped her fingers. Then looked toward Grouse. "Still enjoying yourself?" He swallowed. "Acceptable." She smiled. "Good." He looked at her. "You're enjoying this too much." "Absolutely." "Unnecessary." "Probably." She reached for another slice. Grouse matched her. --- At the other end of the table, Shammy had begun studying the dessert menu again. Yukari leaned closer. "What do you think?" Shammy considered. "The chocolate cake sounds lovely." "Indeed." "And the ice cream." "Naturally." "Although we should probably see what else is available." Yukari nodded approvingly. "A sensible approach." They continued reading. Neither appeared remotely concerned about the amount of pizza already consumed at the table. --- Brenda noticed. She leaned toward Iris. "Look." Iris followed her gaze. Yukari and Shammy were discussing dessert combinations. Brenda smiled. "Oh, dear." Iris laughed quietly. "Yes." "Do you think they realize what they're planning?" "Completely." "And Badger?" Iris looked toward the man currently trying to persuade Heavenly Father that a handwritten victory certificate would be appropriate. "Not yet." Brenda grinned. "Excellent." --- The contest continued. More slowly now. Not because either competitor was rushing toward collapse. They had both taken breaks. Drunk water. Allowed themselves time. The rules permitted all of it. The absurdity lay in their determination, not in trying to injure themselves over lunch. Grouse studied the remaining pizza. Ace studied hers. Neither had conceded. Badger watched with an expression of religious devotion. Heavenly Father looked toward Mai. "How much longer?" Mai considered. "Unknown." "Of course." --- Then Grouse set down a slice. Only briefly. But it was the first time he had done so without immediately continuing. Ace noticed. She looked at him. He looked back. No words. Mai checked her tally. Kiro leaned closer. Reyes folded her arms. Badger stopped moving. Even Skulker looked interested. --- Grouse took a breath. Then picked up the slice again. Ace smiled. "Good?" He nodded. "Confirmed." She took another bite. The contest continued. But everyone at the table knew something had changed. And Grouse knew it too. --- Yukari glanced toward the competitors. Then toward Shammy. "My dear." "Yes?" "Do you think they'll finish soon?" "Perhaps." "Wonderful." Shammy smiled. "Why?" Yukari looked down at the dessert menu. Then up again. Her golden eyes gleamed. "Because I believe I'm becoming hungry." Shammy stared at her. Then began laughing. "Oh, sweetheart." Yukari tilted her head. "What?" Shammy reached for her hand. "Nothing. I think I might be hungry too." Neither noticed Badger looking toward them. Not quite yet. --- ## Chapter 5 — The Last Slice At 14:23, Grouse identified three problems. The first was the pizza. The second was Ace Watanabe. The third was Badger's handwriting. The third remained, by a considerable margin, the most serious. Across the table, Ace finished another slice and reached for her glass of water. She looked relaxed. Comfortable. Almost offensively cheerful. Grouse considered this. Then looked at his own plate. One slice remained. He picked it up. --- Badger was standing. Again. Heavenly Father looked toward him. "Sit." "I'm observing." "You can observe from a chair." "THIS IS A HISTORIC MOMENT." "It's lunch." "YOU HAVE NO APPRECIATION FOR HISTORY." Heavenly Father took a long drink of coffee. "Badger." "WHAT?" "If you shout at them one more time, I'm making you eat the paperwork." Skulker looked up. "Paper's probably easier to digest than the handwriting." Jello nodded. "Lower information density." Badger stared at both men. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE." Grouse spoke quietly. "Noise." Badger sat. --- Mai examined the tally. Then checked the remaining portions. "Still equal." Kiro leaned closer. "Technically." Mai smiled. "Yes." "Any difference?" "Not yet." Reyes looked across the table at Ace. "She's slowing down." Shammy nodded. "A little." "But she's still comfortable." "Yes." Yukari, seated beside Shammy, regarded the competitors with gentle fascination. "They really are remarkably determined." Iris smiled. "That's one word for it." Brenda considered. "Stubborn is another." --- Ace finished her slice. She placed her hands on the table. Then looked at Grouse. "How are we doing?" He swallowed. "Acceptable." Ace grinned. "Excellent." She leaned back. Took a breath. And waited. Grouse studied her. For a moment, neither moved. Then he set down his empty plate. --- The restaurant manager approached. "Would you like another order?" Mai looked toward the competitors. "That's up to them." Ace considered. Grouse considered. Badger looked between them like a man watching the final seconds of an extremely expensive sporting event. Heavenly Father watched Badger. Jello watched Heavenly Father watching Badger. Skulker examined the restaurant's exit. Again. Reyes leaned toward Kiro. "He's going to explode." "Badger?" "Yes." "Possibly." --- Ace looked at Grouse. "Another?" He studied her. Then glanced toward the order display. A long pause. "Yes." Badger made a strangled noise. Heavenly Father grabbed his sleeve. "Not a word." Badger nodded vigorously. His face was turning red. --- The next pizza arrived. One extra-large, divided into equal portions for the competitors. Mai verified the order. Everything matched the agreed conditions. The manager placed it carefully between them. "Enjoy." Ace smiled warmly. "Thank you." Grouse nodded. "Appreciated." The manager looked toward the enormous quantity of empty boxes. Then toward Ace. Then Grouse. He clearly had questions. But he was a professional. And some questions were better left unanswered. --- Ace selected a slice. Grouse did the same. They began again. Slowly. Without urgency. Without performance. Badger remained silent. This was so unusual that Iris glanced at him to make sure he was still conscious. He was. Barely. --- The first slice disappeared. Ace placed her hand on the table. Grouse finished a moment later. Mai updated the tally. "Equal." The second slice followed. Ace chewed thoughtfully. Swallowed. Then smiled. Grouse finished his. But the pause afterward was longer. Not dramatic. Not painful. Simply the quiet calculation of a man who had finally reached the limits of what he wanted to eat. He looked toward the next slice. Then toward Ace. --- Ace noticed. Of course she noticed. She didn't tease him. Didn't hurry. Didn't reach for another slice to force his hand. She simply waited. Grouse was her opponent. Not her enemy. And the contest had rules. --- He picked up another slice. Held it. Considered. Then set it back. Badger froze. Mai stopped updating the tally. Reyes leaned forward. Shammy looked toward Grouse. Yukari's eyes brightened. Even Heavenly Father sat a little straighter. --- Grouse looked at Ace. She met his eyes. A long silence. Then: "Threshold reached." Ace smiled. "Understood." Grouse placed both hands on the table. "Conceded." --- For two full seconds, nobody moved. Then Mai checked the tally. "Contest concluded." She looked toward Ace. "Winner: Ace Watanabe." --- Badger erupted. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The sound startled two customers, a delivery driver and one unfortunate employee carrying a tray of drinks. Heavenly Father grabbed Badger by the shoulder before he could climb onto the table. "NO." "WE HAVE A WINNER!" "YES." "ACE FUCKING WATANABE!" "WE KNOW." "THE PIZZA QUEEN OF NIGHT CITY!" Jello closed his eyes. "No titles." "THE UNDEFEATED EMPRESS OF EXTRA-LARGE!" "Badger." "THE DESTROYER OF PEPPERONI!" Skulker looked toward Grouse. "Could've been worse." Grouse remained still. "How?" Skulker considered. "He could've brought a banner." From behind them, Badger shouted: "I HAVE AN IDEA!" Jello stood. "Absolutely not." --- Ace was laughing. Not triumphantly. Helplessly. Mai approached and kissed her. "Congratulations, darling." Ace smiled against her lips. "Thank you." Reyes followed with another kiss. "Ridiculous woman." Ace grinned. "Your ridiculous woman." "Unfortunately." Shammy embraced her. "Well done, sweetheart." Kiro smiled. "Statistically absurd." Ace nodded. "My favorite kind." --- Yukari approached. She looked at Ace. Then Grouse. Then the table. "My congratulations." Ace smiled. "Thank you, darling." Yukari turned toward Grouse. "And to you as well." He looked up. "For losing?" "For knowing when to stop." Grouse considered that. Then nodded. "Accepted." Heavenly Father looked toward Yukari. For once, his expression was almost grateful. "Thank you." She smiled. "You're welcome." --- Badger was still celebrating. Jello had confiscated his attempt at producing a digital victory certificate. Skulker had removed a marker pen from his hand. Heavenly Father had prevented him from ordering a commemorative dessert shaped like Grouse's defeated expression. The restaurant manager was beginning to look relieved. Then Badger noticed the paperwork. --- "Oh." Grouse looked up. Badger smiled. A terrible smile. "THE WAGER." Grouse closed his eyes. "Confirmed." Badger leaned forward. "YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?" "Unfortunately." "THE REPORTS!" "Yes." "ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL REPORTS!" Grouse looked toward Heavenly Father. "Request clarification." Heavenly Father smiled. "On what?" "Whether a court would consider this cruel and unusual punishment." Jello answered immediately. "Only if the handwriting is admitted as evidence." Skulker nodded. "Strong case." --- Mai brought up the agreed terms. "The quantity is fixed. The archive material is cleared. The task can be completed at a reasonable pace." Grouse studied the document. Then nodded. "Accepted." Ace leaned toward him. "No hard feelings?" He looked at her. Then, finally, smiled. A small, dry smile. "Next time, different discipline." Ace laughed. "You're on." Heavenly Father immediately looked up. "No." --- The restaurant manager approached once more. "Everything satisfactory?" Mai smiled. "Very." "Anything else?" There was a brief silence. Ace looked toward Grouse. Grouse shook his head. Reyes leaned back. Kiro laughed softly. Iris smiled. Brenda looked toward the kitchen. Badger appeared to be considering another speech. Heavenly Father was preparing to prevent it. Then Yukari spoke. "Actually..." --- Everyone turned. The kitsune looked at the empty pizza boxes. Then toward the dessert menu. Then at the manager. "That was a delightful appetizer." Silence. Absolute silence. Badger turned his head. Slowly. "Appetizer?" Yukari smiled. "Naturally." --- Shammy looked at Yukari. Then at the menu. Then at Badger. A smile began spreading across her face. Ace noticed immediately. "Oh, no." Mai followed her gaze. "Oh, yes." Badger leaned forward. "FOX." Yukari tilted her head. "Yes?" "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" She smiled. "I was wondering whether we might order dessert." Badger stared. Then looked toward the empty boxes. Then back at Yukari. His grin widened. "FOX." He placed both hands on the table. "YOU AND I ARE GOING TO GET ALONG BEAUTIFULLY." --- Shammy raised her hand. "Can I join you two?" Badger froze. He looked at Shammy. Then Yukari. Then Shammy again. "THERE ARE TWO OF THEM?!" Shammy smiled sweetly. "Actually, darling, I'm considerably older." Yukari began laughing. She reached for Shammy's hand. "Come, sweetheart. Let's have some proper dessert." --- Heavenly Father lowered his face into his hands. "Oh, for fuck's sake." Ace looked toward Mai. Mai was laughing too hard to answer. Reyes shook her head. Kiro covered her mouth. Skulker examined the dessert menu. Jello looked toward the manager. The manager stared at the table. Then at Yukari. Then at Shammy. Then at Badger. Finally, with the exhausted dignity of a man who had accepted that his afternoon was no longer under his control, he asked: "How many desserts would you like?" --- Badger drew a deep breath. Heavenly Father pointed at him. "Don't." Badger grinned. Yukari smiled. Shammy looked delighted. And Ace, victorious in the first Food War, suddenly understood that the most dangerous part of the afternoon had not even begun. --- ## Chapter 6 — That Was a Delightful Appetizer For several seconds, nobody answered the manager's question. How many desserts? It was, on the surface, a perfectly reasonable inquiry. Unfortunately, he had directed it toward Yukari O'Sullivan, Shamaterazu, and Badger. Three individuals who were about to discover a remarkable degree of mutual understanding. Yukari examined the menu. Shammy leaned closer. Badger pulled up a chair. Heavenly Father watched this happen with the expression of a man observing a structural failure in slow motion. "Oh, no." Ace smiled. "Oh, yes." "Don't encourage them." "I'm not encouraging anything." "You're smiling." "I've just won a pizza contest. I'm allowed." Yukari tapped one item on the menu. "This sounds delightful." Shammy studied it. "The chocolate cake?" "Yes. Although I'm curious about the cinnamon rolls." "Oh, those do sound lovely." Badger leaned between them. "WHAT ABOUT THE ICE CREAM?" Yukari looked up. "There's ice cream?" "THERE IS NOW." The manager cleared his throat. "We do have ice cream." Badger pointed at him triumphantly. "SEE?" Shammy smiled. "Then perhaps we should order some." Yukari considered the possibilities. "With the cake?" "Naturally." Badger looked from one woman to the other. His expression slowly became reverent. "YOU TWO UNDERSTAND." Heavenly Father put down his coffee. "Badger." "WHAT?" "Try ordering something normally." "I AM." "You're shouting about ice cream." "IT'S IMPORTANT." "Not at that volume." Yukari smiled at Heavenly Father. "Would you like some as well?" He paused. "No, thank you." Shammy tilted her head. "Are you certain?" "Quite." "Very well." A moment passed. Heavenly Father looked at the menu again. "Actually, perhaps a little chocolate cake." Badger threw up his hands. "HA!" "Not a word." "YOU'RE ONE OF US." "I am absolutely not." Mai had been watching this development with increasing amusement. She leaned toward Ace. "Do you realize what's happening?" Ace looked at the three conspirators. Yukari was asking the manager about portion sizes. Shammy was comparing two different desserts. Badger had begun investigating whether the kitchen could provide extra toppings. "Unfortunately." Mai laughed. "You introduced Yukari to Badger." "I did not." "You invited Theta-24." "That is not the same thing." "Darling." Ace sighed. "Fine. I accept partial responsibility." Reyes slipped an arm around her shoulders. "Partial?" "Don't start." The manager returned with the first desserts. Chocolate cake. Cinnamon rolls. Ice cream. A selection of sauces. And enough spoons to suggest that the kitchen had wisely interpreted the order as a communal affair. Yukari's eyes brightened. "Oh, how wonderful." Shammy clasped her hands. "That looks lovely." Badger leaned forward. "BEHOLD." Jello, without looking up, said, "It's cake." "NOT JUST CAKE." "It's definitely cake." "IT'S THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL." Skulker examined the plates. "Looks expensive." Brenda laughed. "You've found his weakness." Skulker shook his head. "No. His weakness is everything." Yukari cut a small portion of chocolate cake. She tasted it. Paused. Then closed her eyes in appreciation. "Mmm." Shammy watched her. "Good?" "Very." She offered Shammy a forkful. Shammy tasted it. Her expression softened. "Oh, that really is good." Badger watched them both. "RIGHT?" Yukari nodded. "The texture is excellent." "EXACTLY." "And the chocolate isn't excessively sweet." "YES!" Shammy considered her next bite. "I think the ice cream would complement it beautifully." Yukari looked at her. Then at Badger. Badger looked back. A moment of perfect understanding passed among them. "COMBINE THEM," he declared. At the other end of the table, Grouse was beginning to regret several decisions. He had lost the contest. He had agreed to the wager. He had seen Badger's handwriting. And now Badger was experiencing the most joyful afternoon of his life. It seemed unfair. Grouse looked toward Heavenly Father. "Is he always like this?" Heavenly Father considered. "Usually worse." "Understood." Skulker nodded toward the desserts. "At least he's occupied." Grouse watched Badger enthusiastically distributing ice cream onto slices of cake. "How long will that last?" Jello answered. "Unknown. Possibly indefinite." Yukari accepted another spoonful of dessert. Then she turned toward Shammy. "My dear, have you tried the cinnamon rolls?" "Not yet." "You must." Shammy leaned closer. Yukari offered her a piece. Shammy tasted it. Then smiled. "That is lovely." Badger pointed at them. "SEE? SHARING IS THE KEY." Heavenly Father stared. "Did you just discover sharing?" "NO. I'M PERFECTING IT." The restaurant manager returned. "Is everything satisfactory?" Yukari smiled warmly. "Very much so. Thank you." Shammy nodded. "Everything is wonderful." Badger raised a thumb. "OUTSTANDING." The manager relaxed. Then Yukari asked another question. "Would you happen to know somewhere nearby that specializes in desserts?" The manager paused. "Specializes?" "Yes. Cakes, pastries, perhaps something a little unusual." Badger went completely still. Shammy looked interested. The manager considered. "There's a dessert café a few blocks away. They make some excellent pastries." Yukari's smile widened. "How delightful." Badger slowly turned toward her. "FOX." "Yes?" "ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?" Yukari considered. "Possibly." Shammy raised a finger. "I rather hope so." Heavenly Father closed his eyes. "No." Nobody listened. It took another twenty minutes for the group to settle the bill and prepare to leave. The manager was paid generously. The staff received a substantial tip. Badger attempted to thank the kitchen with a speech. Jello physically turned him toward the exit before he could begin. Ace thanked the manager. Grouse offered a quiet nod. Mai confirmed that every order had been paid for. And Yukari, who had evidently decided that the afternoon was developing beautifully, asked the manager for the name of the dessert café once more. He provided it. With directions. And, perhaps unwisely, a recommendation. "Their strawberry pastries are particularly good." Shammy brightened. "Strawberry?" Yukari looked delighted. Badger pressed a hand against his chest. "MY GOD." Heavenly Father looked at the manager. "You have no idea what you've done." --- Outside, Night City continued its ordinary business. Traffic crawled through the streets. Advertisements flickered above the sidewalks. Somewhere in the distance, a siren sounded. The group emerged from Papa John's in excellent spirits. Except Grouse. Who was contemplating several years' worth of handwriting. Badger was walking beside Yukari and Shammy. He had lowered his voice. Slightly. "So. Strawberry pastries." Yukari nodded. "Indeed." "Cream?" "Naturally." "Chocolate?" Shammy smiled. "Perhaps." Badger considered. "WE MAY NEED A PLAN." Yukari laughed. "My dear, I think we have one." Reyes looked toward Ace. "Are you coming?" Ace considered the question. She had eaten enough pizza to win a contest against a member of Theta-24. The idea of immediately sitting down in another restaurant seemed profoundly unreasonable. She glanced toward Mai. Mai smiled. "We can have coffee." "Excellent." Kiro nodded. "Coffee sounds sensible." Brenda laughed. "Nothing about this afternoon has been sensible." Iris took her hand. "Then let's enjoy the rest of it." The dessert café was small, warm and beautifully illuminated. Its display cases contained cakes, pastries, fruit tarts, layered desserts and several creations that looked expensive enough to qualify as decorative art. Yukari stopped just inside the doorway. Her eyes widened. "Oh." Shammy came to stand beside her. "Oh, my." Badger stepped between them. Looked at the display. And whispered: "Beautiful." Heavenly Father stared at him. "You can whisper." Badger nodded solemnly. "THIS PLACE DESERVES RESPECT." "Apparently not for long." The café's proprietor greeted them with a smile. "Welcome. What can I get for you?" Yukari stepped forward. She studied the display with genuine curiosity. "May I ask about your strawberry pastries?" "Of course." The proprietor explained the different fillings, the pastry textures, and which items were made fresh that morning. Yukari listened carefully. Shammy asked about the cream. Badger asked whether the chocolate could be served warm. The proprietor looked delighted. At last, customers genuinely interested in the food. Not just ordering the most expensive item for a photograph. They discussed flavors. They made selections. They ordered coffee. Then they settled around a large table. Ace lowered herself into a chair beside Mai. "Coffee." Mai smiled. "Coffee." Reyes sat opposite them. Kiro joined her. Grouse accepted water. Skulker chose a pastry. Jello ordered something small and quietly informed Badger that he would not be participating in any formal documentation of the outing. Badger waved him away. "THERE IS NO FORMAL DOCUMENTATION." Jello looked suspicious. "That's the most reassuring thing you've said today." The first pastries arrived. Yukari admired the delicate layers. Shammy examined the strawberries. Badger looked at the warm chocolate sauce. Then all three began eating. No competition. No scorekeeping. No ridiculous speeches. For almost an entire minute, Badger simply enjoyed his dessert. Heavenly Father watched in amazement. "I don't believe it." Skulker looked up. "What?" "He's quiet." Skulker nodded. "Effective countermeasure." Yukari smiled at Badger. "Do you enjoy discovering new places to eat?" He nodded. "Absolutely." "And trying unfamiliar foods?" "Always." "Even if you don't know whether you'll like them?" Badger considered. "Especially then." Yukari's expression softened. "How wonderful." Shammy smiled. "That sounds very familiar." Yukari took her hand. "Doesn't it?" Badger looked between them. For once, he seemed to understand something without needing to announce it. These two weren't trying to outdo him. They weren't laughing at him. They weren't encouraging him merely because he was entertaining. They simply shared his enthusiasm. Food was wonderful. Sharing it was better. And finding people who genuinely enjoyed both was worth celebrating. Badger smiled. A small, entirely ordinary smile. Then ruined the moment. "WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN." Heavenly Father dropped his forehead onto the table. Ace burst out laughing. Mai covered her mouth. Reyes shook her head. Kiro grinned. Jello whispered, "There it is." Skulker returned to his pastry. Yukari looked delighted. "I would like that very much." Shammy nodded. "So would I." Badger leaned forward. "NEXT TIME, WE FIND THE BEST..." Heavenly Father raised his head. "Badger." "WHAT?" "No competitions." Badger blinked. Yukari smiled. "Of course not." Shammy nodded. "We're simply enjoying ourselves." Badger considered. Then grinned. "EVEN BETTER." They stayed for another hour. Not because anyone had anything to prove. Not because a wager demanded another round. But because the coffee was good, the pastries were excellent, and the company was better. Yukari and Shammy sampled several desserts together, occasionally offering tastes to the others. Badger discovered a new favorite pastry and insisted that Heavenly Father try it. Heavenly Father did. Then, somewhat reluctantly, admitted that it was excellent. Badger celebrated. Quietly, for once. Grouse eventually relaxed enough to order coffee. Ace leaned against Mai and enjoyed the rare pleasure of having absolutely nothing urgent to do. And the café proprietor, who had expected an ordinary afternoon, found herself serving one of the most enthusiastic groups of customers she had ever encountered. As they prepared to leave, Yukari thanked the proprietor. "Everything was beautiful." Shammy smiled. "We'll certainly remember this place." Badger nodded. "ABSOLUTELY." Heavenly Father placed a hand on his shoulder. "Indoor voice." Badger lowered it. "Absolutely." The proprietor laughed. "You're welcome back anytime." Heavenly Father looked toward the ceiling. "That was a mistake." Outside, the afternoon light had begun shifting toward evening. The group gathered on the sidewalk. Yukari was speaking with Shammy about a pastry she had particularly enjoyed. Badger was asking whether they had ever tried a certain restaurant elsewhere in Night City. Shammy said she hadn't. Yukari looked intrigued. The discussion continued. Ace watched them. Then turned toward Mai. "Well." Mai smiled. "Well?" "I think we've created a problem." Mai glanced toward Yukari, Shammy and Badger. The three were now discussing the merits of sweet versus savory breakfasts. "A problem?" Ace nodded. "A very enthusiastic problem." Reyes laughed. "Sweetheart, you've survived gods, corporations and things that shouldn't exist." "I know." "And this worries you?" Ace watched Badger excitedly describe a breakfast menu. Yukari listened with open delight. Shammy was already asking questions. Ace sighed. "More than you'd think." Heavenly Father approached. He stood beside Ace. Watched the three. Then said, very quietly: "You understand that he's going to remember this forever." Ace nodded. "Yes." "And they'll encourage him." "Yes." "And none of us will ever hear the end of it." Ace looked at him. Then smiled. "Probably not." Heavenly Father sighed. "Wonderful." Behind them, Badger's voice rose. "WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU ABOUT THE PANCAKES." Yukari gasped with genuine interest. Shammy laughed. Ace closed her eyes. Mai leaned against her shoulder. And somewhere in the middle of Night City, a perfectly innocent breakfast establishment remained blissfully unaware that its future had just become considerably more interesting. --- ## Chapter 7 — This Is Not a Language Grouse had survived things that should not have existed. He had entered facilities where the architecture changed when nobody was looking. He had recovered personnel from places that officially had never been built. He had worked alongside Badger for long enough to develop an almost supernatural ability to anticipate when a perfectly reasonable situation was about to become catastrophically unreasonable. None of that had prepared him for the folder currently sitting on his desk. It was thick. It was old. And someone had written ARCHIVE BACKLOG — CLEARED across the front. Grouse opened it. The first page was a handwritten operational report. He stared at it. Then turned it sideways. Then back again. After thirty seconds, he reached a conclusion. "...this is not a language." Skulker, passing behind him with a mug of coffee, glanced at the page. "Badger?" "Apparently." "Thought so." Grouse pointed at the first line. "What does that say?" Skulker studied it. "Could be a warning." "About what?" "Reading the rest." Grouse slowly looked up. Skulker took a drink. "Good luck." And continued walking. --- The archive workstation was perfectly functional. Jello had verified it personally. The retained Foundation-derived system operated locally, without depending on any imaginary central command structure that might or might not still exist. Its records were organized, access-controlled and protected against accidental dissemination. The backlog had already been screened. Nothing anomalously hazardous remained in the selected documents. Only ordinary mission reports. Written by ordinary human hands. Unfortunately, one of those hands belonged to Badger. Grouse opened the transcription interface. The cursor blinked. He examined the first report again. The cursor continued blinking. Jello appeared in the doorway. "Progress?" Grouse didn't look up. "Negative." "Technical problem?" "Yes." Jello approached. The workstation displayed no errors. The archive interface was responding normally. The original document was visible. The transcription field was empty. Jello considered the situation. "That's not a technical problem." Grouse pointed at the handwriting. "Explain that." Jello leaned closer. There was a long silence. Then he nodded. "Fair." "Can we scan it?" "We already have." "OCR?" "Tried." "Enhanced recognition?" "Tried." "Pattern reconstruction?" Jello looked at him. "Grouse." "What?" "At one point, I supplied the system with thirty correctly transcribed examples of Badger's handwriting." Grouse waited. "It successfully identified six letters." "Six?" "Possibly five. One was a stain." Grouse closed his eyes. Jello continued. "Then it began generating new characters." Grouse opened them again. "New characters?" "Unrecognized by any installed language model." "Did you keep the output?" "No." "Why?" "Because Badger wanted to use it as a font." From somewhere down the corridor came a familiar voice. "HOW'S THE PAPERWORK?" Grouse stared at the doorway. Badger appeared a moment later, carrying coffee and wearing a grin of almost spiritual satisfaction. "GOOD MORNING, CHAMP!" Grouse looked at him. "Don't." Badger glanced at the screen. "OH, THAT ONE!" "You recognize it?" "OF COURSE." Grouse sat up. "Excellent. What does the first sentence say?" Badger leaned over his shoulder. Studied the document. Frowned. Then leaned closer. "Huh." Grouse waited. Badger pointed at the beginning of the line. "RIGHT. THAT'S WHERE WE..." He stopped. Looked at the next word. Then at the date. "Hang on." Jello quietly stepped away. Grouse folded his hands. Badger continued studying the page. "THAT MIGHT BE THE WRONG OPERATION." Heavenly Father arrived just as Grouse stood up. Slowly. Very slowly. Badger backed away. "NOW, HOLD ON." Grouse looked at him. "You wrote this." "YES." "You submitted it." "YES." "You cannot read it." Badger considered the accusation. "NOT WITHOUT CONTEXT." Grouse pointed at the report. "YOU WERE THE CONTEXT." Skulker, who had returned to watch, began laughing. Heavenly Father intervened before the situation could develop into a demonstration of Theta-24's close-quarters training. "All right. Enough." Grouse turned toward him. "I demand a review of the wager." "No." "Grounds?" "You lost." "Under disputed circumstances." "You conceded voluntarily." "Under gastrointestinal duress." Heavenly Father looked at him. "You were eating pizza." "Exactly." "Against Ace." "Correct." "And you agreed to the wager beforehand." Grouse paused. "Unfortunately." "Then the agreement stands." Badger beamed. "JUSTICE." Heavenly Father turned toward him. "And you are going to help identify any genuinely illegible passages." Badger's smile disappeared. "WHAT?" "You wrote them." "BUT..." "No." Grouse looked almost pleased. Almost. The next hour established several facts. Badger's handwriting was not consistently illegible. That would have made the problem simpler. Instead, it varied according to circumstances. Reports written at a desk were merely terrible. Reports written inside vehicles were worse. Reports written during operations were a catastrophe. And one particular page, apparently completed while Badger was wearing gloves, contained something that resembled a series of tiny explosions. Grouse examined it. "Was he being attacked?" Skulker looked over his shoulder. "Probably." "While writing?" "Knowing Badger? Yes." Badger, from across the room, shouted: "I WAS BEING EFFICIENT." Jello shook his head. "You were being incomprehensible." By lunchtime, Grouse had completed three reports. Three. He looked at the remaining stack. Then at the workstation. Then at the stack again. Heavenly Father placed a sandwich beside him. "Eat." Grouse stared. "I'm not hungry." "Eat anyway. It's lunch." Grouse looked at the sandwich. A long silence followed. Then he pushed it away. "Too soon." Heavenly Father began laughing. --- That afternoon, the Watson safehouse received a message. It came from Jello. It contained no operational details, no archive material and no sensitive information. Just a single sentence. Grouse has discovered written language is optional. Mai read it aloud. Ace nearly spilled her coffee. Reyes laughed. Kiro immediately asked whether Badger had attempted to help. When Mai confirmed that he had, Kiro laughed harder. Shammy looked genuinely sympathetic. "Poor Grouse." Yukari tilted her head. "Is he having difficulty?" Ace smiled. "Apparently Badger's handwriting is even worse than we thought." Yukari considered. "How unfortunate." Then, after a moment: "Would sending him some cake help?" Ace looked at her. "Darling." "Yes?" "He's recovering from a pizza-eating contest." Yukari smiled. "Then perhaps not cake." Shammy considered. "Coffee?" "Much better." Yukari nodded. "Excellent. We should send good coffee." Ace shook her head, laughing. "You two are impossible." Shammy leaned down and kissed her forehead. "You love us." Ace grinned. "Unfortunately." The safehouse doorbell rang. Iris checked the monitor. Badger stood at the lower entrance. He was carrying a bag. Shammy brightened. "Is that Badger?" Ace sighed. "Of course it is." Iris admitted him through the entrance and opened the upper door when he arrived. Badger entered with the excitement of a man bringing important news. "GOOD EVENING!" Ace looked at the bag. "What have you got?" "PASTRIES." Yukari's head appeared around the kitchen doorway. "Pastries?" Badger grinned. "FOX!" Shammy joined her. "Oh, how lovely." Badger placed the bag on the table. "I FOUND ANOTHER PLACE." Mai looked up. "Another place?" "YES." "What kind?" "BREAKFAST." Ace closed her eyes. "No." Badger looked offended. "WHAT?" "No." "I HAVEN'T EVEN..." "No." Yukari examined the bag. "Breakfast, you say?" Badger nodded enthusiastically. "PANCAKES. WAFFLES. EVERYTHING." Shammy smiled. "How delightful." Ace slowly turned toward Mai. "Help." Mai was laughing. "With what?" "Preventing whatever comes next." Mai glanced at Yukari. Then Shammy. Then Badger. All three looked extraordinarily pleased. She shook her head. "Darling, I don't think that's possible." Badger eventually departed with a promise to return soon. No date was set. No reservations were made. No competition was arranged. Just the pleasant possibility of another shared meal when everyone happened to be free. Yukari seemed entirely content with that. So did Shammy. Ace was relieved. For approximately eleven seconds. Then Shammy asked: "Would you prefer sweet or savory waffles, sweetheart?" Yukari considered. "Both have their merits." Ace stared. Mai smiled. And the conversation continued. --- Back at Theta-24's quarters, Grouse remained at his workstation. The first stack of reports was finally diminishing. Slowly. Painfully. But undeniably. Jello had helped establish a reliable reference for recurring abbreviations. Heavenly Father had insisted on regular breaks. Skulker had identified several pages by recognizing the operations they described. And Badger had occasionally been useful. Usually by remembering what he had meant to write. Occasionally by admitting that he had no idea. Grouse finished another report. Saved it. Verified the entry. Then leaned back. The process worked. He hated that it worked. Badger appeared in the doorway. "HOW'S MY FAVORITE ARCHIVIST?" Grouse looked at him. "I should have eaten the fucking pizza." Badger grinned. "YOU TRIED." "I should have tried harder." "THAT'S THE SPIRIT." Grouse stared at him. Badger leaned against the doorway. "SO. NEXT TIME..." "No." "WHAT?" "No." "I HAVEN'T ASKED..." "No." Badger considered. Then smiled. "WHAT ABOUT PANCAKES?" Grouse stood. Badger ran. The following morning, Mai added a single entry to her private collection of memorable Night City incidents. FOOD WARS I — THE EXTRA-LARGE PROBLEM Participants: Ace Watanabe / Grouse Venue: Papa John's Winner: Ace Watanabe Wager: Historical report transcription Outcome: Completed contest; archive work in progress Additional observation: Unexpected culinary alliance established between Yukari, Shammy and Badger. She reread the final line. Then smiled. Ace appeared behind her. "What are you doing?" "Making a note." "Of what?" "The beginning of a potentially fascinating pattern." Ace looked over her shoulder. Read the entry. Then groaned. "Oh, God." Mai laughed. "Exactly." From the kitchen came Yukari's voice. "My dear Shammy, do you think Badger would enjoy Japanese soufflé pancakes?" Shammy answered immediately. "Oh, I think he'd love them." Ace stared at the ceiling. Mai slipped an arm around her waist. "Darling?" "Yes?" "You did win." Ace considered that. Then smiled. "I did." "And Grouse lost." "Yes." "And everyone had a wonderful afternoon." Ace leaned against her. "True." Mai kissed her. "Then perhaps we should consider the operation a success." Ace thought about it. Outside, Night City continued its endless cycle of violence, corporate intrigue and things best left undiscovered. Inside the Watson safehouse, two ancient women were discussing pancakes. Somewhere else in the city, Badger was probably making breakfast recommendations. And Grouse was still deciphering handwriting that should have been declared a crime against literacy. Ace laughed. "Yeah." She wrapped her arms around Mai. "I'd call that a success."